Letting go....really

So when I say it's in God's hands do I really mean I should still get what I want cause I'm "doing what a good christian does"? Am I really letting go?

I think of the song by Natalie Grant Held: "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the bitterness know our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow." How often do I keep picking at my wounds, postponing healing? Reminding myself that I should be ticked off.

My husband and I practiced this daily with each other in the beginning of our marriage. After each foolish disagreement, I'd run to my friends/family and state how awful and mean he was and they'd chime in "You are right he's no good" or something along those lines. He would spend time with his friends avoiding coming home and my phone calls. Then...he told me he had a job offer in Kansas City, I could come with him...or not. It's been 7 years and we are weeks away from celebrating our 10th anniversary. Forcing ourselves to face one another in a tiny apartment made our marriage begin to flourish and now I picture us like a young tree with the supports removed, growing strong and tall, ready to face what may come.

Sadly, I've done this with friends as well. Touting the thing that someone has done to offend me and emphasizing my apparent innocence. I'm definitely not saying that you should never talk about what others have done. We all need a safe place. That person we can go to, to let off steam maybe says things that we want to say but know we shouldn't. A person who will listen and guide us back to the right direction not add fuel to your fire.

Sometimes I know what I need is an empathetic reply tempered with the reminder that my side if the story may be a bit skewed. I have a very select few that I go to, my husband being first, that I just let 'er rip. Let it all out tell them I should just tell them this, how awful that was, can you believe this and on and on. They listen and I have found many times I'm waiting for a reaction that never comes. I want them to be taken aback, or simply aghast at what happened. The response is something along the lines of "Ok and?"...oh you mean this isn't life changing? This person shouldn't be stoned or shunned? I'm overreacting and don't get a medal for what I "went through"? Ah ok I see. Another case of foot-in-mouth avoided.

Along the lines of guidance I am reminded over and over again that it's not my plan but God's that I should think about. I am reminded in song, in advice, and in scripture that God will take care of me. God knows better than me, He is omniscient after all. Matthew 6:34 says "Do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." (ESV). Pretty sure that counts for yesterday too!

So when I tell God, "Ok I give this to You, Your will be done," am I adding the caveat "as long as Your will matches my wants"? I stress about bills, to have or not to have another child, I hold grudges against things from many years ago, I plan and schedule much of my life, but for what purpose? Where is the line of me doing my part and me being open to God doing His work? And back to my original question: How much do I really "let go"?