Growing, new beginnings and Mondays

Have you ever had a moment where you glimpse yourself, not in a mirror but your inner self, and are a bit surprised at how you’ve grown up? Lately I’ve had those moments. I'll be in the midst of a conversation I listen to what is being said and wonder who is this woman that is talking...oh my stars...its ME.

Years ago (ok somethings maybe days ago) if a boy didn't like me or gasp I had a boyfriend and he had the nerve to break up with me, my world would end I would do most anything to have people like me, after all I am a people pleaser. I would be teary at the lack of communication from someone or question the entire conversation that I just had and convince myself that I had been foolish and that those in the conversation with me were dutifully planning an intervention or prayer meeting on my behalf. Years have passed, I'm married, have loving kids, and yet to receive my first intervention.

I feel like many of my insecurities have faded. Like that pair of jeans that are almost worn through on the knees and other areas and they fit well but you really only wear them on a off day or doing housework, my insecurities don't rear their ugly head near as often, mainly on my off days, but they still fit. Sometimes I refuse to take them off.

That image of me as a young teenage girl, desperately seeking approval still remains, and always will. Those were not great times, yet I distinctly remember people asking me, "Why are you always so happy?" I even had the nickname Smiles at one job. I was happily seeking a way out of my unhappiness.

I remembered that part of me the other day when a girl from the youth group at my church declared, "I hate Mondays!". I thought about that for a bit and how I felt about Mondays. Besides having to leave my family and go to work I now think of them as a new beginning. What ever work didn't get done, or chore around the house was neglected, or what ever goal I had failed at, I could make this week distinctly different from last week. I feel this same way about winter. I LOVE the winter, not just for the snow (but it is really great). As I age it seems to take on more meaning. Most of creation takes this time to rest, rejuvenate, before beginning anew in the spring.

I recently read a verse that is quoted many times Lamentations 3:22-23 "You mercies are new each morning" is the gist of it. There are new beginnings all the time. Yet I keep missing them or ignoring them and clinging on to the old. So here's to looking forward, embracing Mondays, and trying to stop second guessing myself. 

Birthday and grown up questions

My daughter recently celebrated a birthday. She shared it with her other sister since we didn't do a whole lot for her birthday. Two birds and all that right? Another year passing has only emphasized that I am so immensely blessed by them.

Everyday.

I am astounded at how they are growing and how many things they not only comprehend but contemplate. She would talk about how it was her birthday but she was was going to share it with her sister. It did take a bit to convince the one who's birthday it wasn't, that she wasn't turning a year older.

During a recent car ride home I hear the question, "Mommy, when will God come?" Thus began a barrage of questions that I have encountered many a car ride since. A few I was a some points trying to dodge because at what age are certain topics appropriate? How much do I water it down or do I? My husband and I have agreed since before we had children that we would be as honest as we could with any children we may have.

One question that caused my breath to catch, "Mommy what's is the cross?" I was honest. That she knew of the cross made me move in the path of an honest answer - where someone dies. Not all the questions are so intense. Others have been much lighter: when she is older will she have her own house? why does the moon follow us? why does it rain? and more.

I try to always answer them. I want keep her and her sister's curiosity burning. Sometimes I find myself in a hurry getting frustrated with the persistent questions. I feel like my time is more important, and snap "I don't know". Later, when I realize it I guiltily apologize to them, explaining my mistake and telling them that they can always ask mommy or daddy questions.

But I wonder. Do you or I as a grown up still ask questions? At what point do the questions/curiosity cease and why? Is it the frustrated responses of "I don't know", the sense that we know it all, or does it just simply fade with age?

Traveling and other life lessons

This summer I did a lot of road tripping. With my family, with crazy teenagers that I love, and with just my girls. I've learned alot this summer, some things about me and some just life lessons in general.

I reinforced the lesson that I don't like the heat and I'm pasty white.

I learned that my kids travel really well. We took a 10 hour road trip to visit close friends and they did absolutely awesome. I was dreading being closed in a moving metal box with my two crazies, all for naught. No crazy tantrums, only had to take bathroom brakes when we needed gas, and the were very happy with the snacks I packed. Side note ~did you know that most rest stops have free wi-fi? Thank you DOT's across the US for that nice surprise. On the way home it was only because Bennett and I were so tired that we put a movie on for them, but really, they would have been fine with out it! They also did great on the 5 hour trip with me to celebrate the coming of Abigale Jane ~ even when I distractedly missed my exit on the way home.

I learned that Nutella is amazing.

I learned that the friends I have are amazing and they contribute to who I am. From watching my girls last minute, leaving food in my freezer, bringing me coffee unexpectedly, to doing B90X with me, loving my family as your own ~ even claiming one of them as your own, and so much more. If you're reading this you know who you are and I thank you, with all that I am, for being what I need and then some.

I learned that running is not my thing. Kudos to those who do, but no thanks! One day I'll be motivated to try something else.

I learned that teenage struggles and burdens make me look at my toddlers "disasters" as easily manageable. I remember coming home from one trip and one of my daughters lamenting "She had all the blanket" she being her sister, I thought "This I can fix!". I went and retrieved a blanket and all was well. I can kiss away a boo-boo, sing away frustration, tell a story for boredom, or just sit and hold them to let them know they are loved. I simply cannot do this for the youth I spend time with. No matter how much I love on them, encourage them, check on them, I cannot fix it. I can't make their parents tell them they love them. I can't convince them that right now their time is better spent on friends than the opposite sex. I won't convince them that I understand their temptations. I won't give up though, kids whether they are 2 or 22, are to important to give up on.

I learned that my love language to others is food. How I didn't realize this before I don't know. So if I feed you, know you are loved!

I learned that I'm not realistic when it comes to time and my consumption of it. Either I plan too for much or not and mess up something in the end ~ like arriving for a birthday dinner 45min early! How I consume time is a lesson in progress. My husband has pointed out how much of my time I give away, time I should be spending with my family as there isn't a whole lot to begin with after work and sleeping. So I'm working on family first. I want my children to value time with us more than time "doing" activities.

I learned that my girls will do almost anything to convince me they have a "boo-boo" that requires a band aid.

I learned that my family is to me like spinach is to Popeye! They watched my girls for a whole week, even sharing their germs ~ sorry Chad ~, without hesitation and we didn't have to do a thing! They picked them up and brought them home. We were in shock, partly from the lack of the sounds of two scheming girls, but also at the kindness shown to us with no expectations in return. You don't get that in life very often.