Get'er done

Some days I let myself get overwhelmed with all that needs to be (probably more like could be not needs) done.  Combine this with my ocd tendancies and my post partum nesting compulsions well some days it's not pretty, I'll just leave it at that.

Today I took a day off for me...translated that means that I am cleaning to house like crazy...however I did paint my nails...red!  I've had coffee...hmm that reminds me I need to make some more.  I feel like I've accomplished alot...but when I started to tell my hubby all I had done...it didn't seem like so much.  I wonder if this isn't so different from being a "good" Christian.  I can have others tell me how insert compliment here I am but when I start to tell God about this...it really feels a little like me bragging about say walking to the end of the driveway. Ok let me insert a disclaimer here (even though it's my blog and I shouldn't need a disclaimer) I KNOW that getting to the end of the drive is impossible for some, even getting out of bed it a monumental task, but I am a healthy young (no comments please) adult so this is a normal task.

Paul talks to Timothy about completing the race: 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." We do good things to please the Lord but even then we are still sinners, disgusting and untouchable in His sight.  Should I then stop...no I have the assurance that I am covered in the perfect blood of Christ because that is what God sees when I hold up my day to Him.  I try to teach my children to glorify God each day.  My actions will teach them more than anything I can ever say to them so I will keep the faith, I will continue to fight the fight to get'er done.

Matters of the Heart

Today has been and emotional roller coaster.  My husband and I grew up in the Joplin, MO area and are just heartbroken over the devastation there.  Seeing places where we grew up, played, when on dates together ~ where our friends and families work and shop and live ~ completely destroyed is surreal. 

I want to be there helping...taking care of those who have nothing and are in far greater shock than I, but realitsically, an emotional, 6 month pregnant lady would really not be super helpful.  I know that the best place for me is right here.

What is so very moving to me though is the kindness of others.  Today I have experienced an outpouring of concern and kindness that was very unexpected.  I had no idea that so many were aware of our connection to the tragedy but the kind words, prayers, and concerned inquiries have blessed me more than my vocabulary can express.  My heart bursts with pride at the kindness of others I've seen.  The opening of homes to others, helping others to find someone...just the humble selflessness that is flooding the area. 

I'm by no means the only person with personal connection to this tragedy and my heart breaks for those who have lost loved ones and those that are homelss, jobless, or now both.  I want to thank all of you who have reached out to my family and my husbands family in kindness and care.  It means more than you'll ever know.

We could all use a little...change.

Currently I am in transition, in many ways now that I think about it.  Our family will expand this year, we are seeking a new church/place of worship, I'm adjusting to changes in friendships and family, a new schedule for my family and so on. 

But, did I mention, I really don't like change, well I like this kind of change but not this.  Granted there aren't oodles of people out there just jumping at the chance for a change in their life but there are some.  I don't even like when my favorite lipstick is discontinued (I know I don't paint my nails but I have a favorite lipstick), I just don't like change.  Change is so intimidating to me, so cold and permanent.  It seems to rip away important things and leave behind something raw and unprotected.

In hindsight, though, I can see a different side of change.  Change also molds, and shapes us...sometimes by hacking large chunks off but sometimes by smoothing the roughly hewn edges and splintered joints.  When my husband and I left my hometown to move here I was in shock, like bouquet of flowers cut off from their roots and stuck in stagnant water on display.  I left everything knew and grew up with ~ family, best friends, jobs ~ what was comfortable...to go somewhere new.  If you've read my anniversary blog then you know how bittersweet this was but how then end result was/is an amazing family and a great relationship with my husband. 

I feel that once again change is in the air.  As we try different churches, I am that new person.  Relationships that once were thriving are now out of sight out of mind (me being the one out of sight).  My roots seem short and brittle and my instinct is to dig in and resist...to fight the change.  But like the changing tides this is a futile task that will only result in more harm to me than anything else.  Maybe I'll think like my little four legged friend Ollie and sniff out the new, investigate it and just decide to greet it with a smile!

Check Engine Light

The other day I was lamenting to my sister over medical bills, I should have known better.  Then next morning as I was driving my girls to their nanny I see my check engine light come on!!  Talk about getting my heart rate up...that should have counted as cardio exercise.  My girls, oblivious, continued their barrage of "How do you spell..." questions as I began repeating my mantra "Please don't blow up" in my head all the while attempting to cheerfully continue our conversation.

Later that day, when I headed to lunch, I started my car and closed my eyes thinking that maybe, just maybe, the light would just go away.  Nope.  The orangeish, vaguely engine shaped light, was still shining up at me.

I find it funny how this little symbol can be so menacing yet so vital.  I mean, raise your hand if you like the check engine light to come on...oh yes I see that hand, and that one, bless you ~ oh wait wrong lesson.  I honestly think that no one does.

I've thought alot about my check engine light.  I think back on relationships, purchases made, food eaten, words spoken, and wonder where was my check engine light?!?! Maybe that's part of the spice in life, not knowing what's to come...it definitely makes hindsight 20/20.

I am a worrier...earlier in life a BIG worrier. My husband has really balanced me out in that department. I still worry, just not as much. I've accepted that very few things come with a "check engine" light and as a wise man has said "worry is just experiencing a crisis before it happens." Guess I'm trying to live by that ~ there are already enough crisis going on to frivolously add more.

So I'll seek out a good repair person (thank you Autozone for free diagnostics) once I know what the problem is.

P.S. Only 15 days til my hubby starts his eariler shift!  Woohoo!!

Panties and poop

Really what's this about? you may be wondering.  Having one who is not quite to the stage of 100% potty independence (see title to get the idea) and one still not night time ready, I deal with bodily functions quite a bit.  Soon I get to begin this process anew ~ y a y ;)

I have come to have a great dislike for poop.  It's gross, it smells, it can just get everywhere ~ you understand and if you say you don't ~ you lie...so how do I teach my daughter to take care of this on her own?  Keep in mind that this question comes from a mom who hesitates to let them eat messy things with no help (I know, eating and poop in the same paragraph probably a huge faux pas ~ eh well one begets the other ).   Also I don't understand those who have said that they (for lack of a more tactful way to say it) don't check to see if they have the all clean.  I mean really...how is that sanitary?  Doesn't that make for skidd marked panties (or underware if you will)?

Speaking of panties...another thing I have a dislike for.  Both of my girls think panties are fabulous, a fashion statement of sorts.  But I disagree.  First ~ the fit...why are there so many options...maybe because one's backside can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes but really a little string thing seems to be a waste of money.  If you're looking for something sultry, well, I can think of cheaper alternatives.  And thongs (or what ever they may be called now) have NO place in a children's clothing store, that's absurd. 

Second ~ the location.  Why must the bra/panty section be on the edge near the main "traffic/walk way" in stores?  Does everyone need to know the print I like or the cut I prefer?  I mean we're good friends and all but I don't think so...not to mention that those in the store with me aren't usually my friends, just fellow shoppers.  Now I realize that there are specialty stores for my skivies, but I'm not shelling out the amount on the price tag. 

So in summary (ooh I feel like I'm in my English lit class now) I am confounded by area of my personal self.  If I could get one free ridiculous question to ask of God it would be what was He thinking when He designed the neither regions :)

I understand that this blog may have been on the TMI side and you may be trying to figure out how you can get some soap in your eyes with out the burn after reading it, but hey this is me and you like me right? I'm glad you made it all the way through ~ hopefully you'll be back for more ;)

Confession from a pregnant woman

So my confession…I’ve been eating horribly.  I’ve eaten out more in the last month than I have in many, many moons.  While I understand that, “Oh you have a reason to eat what ever you want right now,” I also know the following:

• I am really not the exercising type.  Yes I play Wii fit (did you catch that I said play) and will be walking with some friends in the morning (goodbye sweet sweet sleep, I shall miss you)
• I wasn't uber skinny before any of my kids
• I am not giving birth to a 30lb baby (Savory don't be wishing 80lbs on me again!)

This being said I am not trying to diet.  I just am convicted of what I've been putting in my body and how I have neglected my family and myself by avoiding cooking.  A few indulgences are good, I'm not going to swear off anything but I am going to tip the scales (speaking of food scales here) in the other direction.

I’m going to do my very best to eat at home and eat better.  So when I'm talking to you and mention we should go out...hold me accountable ;)

P.S. I wish there were cooler fonts on blogger.

Bad day

Have you had one of those days?  You know those days that someone points out several mistakes you made and then you yell at your loved ones and your bank account isn't overflowing with joy at the sight of you...yesterday was that day for me. 

Today is better but, man, I sure didn't feel like I had been worthwhile at all when I went to bed (even though I homemade chicken tikka masala and naan).  I wonder why we are our hardest critics?  I mean I know what makes me think ill of a person or "judge" them as it were (alot ~ but that is a conversation for a personal encounter, over coffee perhaps), so why do I think that everyone else is meaner/harsher/stricter?  Some may have just said, "Because they are".  Nah really they're not.  The majority of humans are just as insecure and expert self second guessers as you and I.

When I have a day like yesterday I, almost instinctively it seems, begin to think how much I screw things up and now I'm probably going to be in trouble and I'm just no good.  Really?  I know that most of that is just rubbish.  I do mess up, yes, but my "in trouble" was just having the mistake pointed out so I could fix it and I'm not really bad either. 

Another question...why is it sooooo easy to remember that one little bad thing and forget the tons of good things?  This past weekend was AWESOME!!  My family had a great time with two other families this weekend and got some tasks done.  Then y e s t e r d a y...did I think about my weekend at all...nope.

Ok well today I'm craving sweets so soon I shall find something to alleviate that need ;)

Moments in the dark place

I sometimes wonder how I got through the previous day. When I felt like I was camped out in that dark mental place and wanted to nothing. Everything is blah and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach is relentless. There is no flavor in life at that moment.

No one notices. Because I don't let them. If I did that I wouldn't stay in the dark. Or if they notice I assure them things are great. My pity party has commenced, only one will be admitted. I get that pity parties are just about, if not the most selfish state one can be in.  But sometimes it just doesn't matter.

It's like a fog that encompasses you mentally.  Sometimes real fog can be soothing...but after a bit when you're supposed to make it somewhere, or in this case be something you, just can't seem to navigate.  Time seems to crawl and though your destination is feet from you, you just can't make it.  So you sit down and wait for the fog to clear.

Typing this right now I can't really say what gets me to get back up and continue forward.  There isn't an exact phrase or motion that propels me but something inevitably does.  This being said, I cannot fathom being stuck day after day in this place, this dark, lonely, mentally incapacitating place.  It makes me love those who are there that much more.  I'm thankful that my "trips" tend to be moments rather than the alternative.

Heartburn and hormones

Today I'm in a stinky mood.  I'm chalking it up to all these pregnancy hormones flooding my system.  Probably the two things I dislike about pregnancy are: the bad side of moody and heartburn. 

I love when I'm happy.  Seems like I'm really happy ~ the drawback is that I get the urge to call people and get all sappy with them and tell them how much I care and how much they mean to me and so on.  So far I have only succumbed to this once...in an e-mail. Thank goodness for the bit of self control that I still retain.

The grumpy/sad/annoyed moodiness is awful.  I wish I could have a quarantine sticker for those days moments!  "Watch Out! Preggo woman in a bad mood at your 6 ~ do not approach!  Consider hostile and dangerous!"  And if I'm being honest really this doesn't apply only to pregnancy.  Maybe that I'm a mom of two toddlers qualifies why this happens, or maybe just that I'm female.  Hot fudge sundae anyone?

Speaking to the heartburn it's like I'm growing a baby dragon instead of a little person.  This stream of molten lava climbs up my esophagus and takes up residence.  I can try sleeping sitting up (I just get the best rest this way ~ um no not really), taking tums (daily limit is like 8 or something minuscule like that) or drinking lots of water ~theses thing only delay the inevitable.  So Instead I pleaded with my amazing ob, Dr. C.  I've finally gotten prescription strength Zantac and I am once again indebted to my Dr for this relief.

People try to make heartburn into a nice thing "Your baby will have lots of hair".  Really? My first little one was bald a basketball ~ had crazy heartburn, second one did have lots of hair but same amount of heartburn.  So the idea of "lots of hair" on my baby isn't enough to make me say "Ooh more heartburn YAY!".  

Getting back to it

Hi, I'm Shasty and I’m a mom of 2 working on number 3, working full time…who is terrible at blogging consistently.

There.  I said it.  I am an infrequent blogger gasp.

This didn’t previously bother me…but now that I’ve learned that there are actual living, breathing people reading my blog other than my one follower…I am feeling guilty.  I really like to blog.  Its fun and a challenge.  However, I keep thinking that my blog should be profound and amazing with perfect grammar or I shouldn’t post anything…maybe I’ve set the bar a little too high or maybe I think too much of my ramblings J

So I’m going to try to just blog…find a happy medium between a serious and a ‘Dear Diary’ feel.  My problem is that I don’t think I’m all that interesting.  I don’t do much and being a fuddy-duddy doesn’t make for good reads.  Let’s just throw caution to the wind and post things with no concern as to what others will think…yes?  I think so!

Today I painted my nails.  This is a big deal, some of you know this.  I’m not big on taking time to pamper myself.  No self deprecating reason just don’t.  Seems weird to see little bits of color flicking around as I type or talk (yes I talk with my hands ~ deal) but its fun when my girlies comment on my pretty nails.  They have, however, asked if our nanny painted them…guess they know their mom huh?

And if you're reading this...thanks, it makes me happy to know you're there.

Lessons from a customer service veteran

I have worked in customer service my entire working life. Waitress/sales person/bank teller/customer service dept/cafe manager/customer service call center/jewelry sales person/ etc. At least once in my working day I have an encounter with a customer that I wish I had the liberty to teach them that is not the way to get good service.

Today I'm blogging to share some of these experiences. Customer service is about making the customer happy ~ if you think you actions would make me not want to do that you should pick a new plan of action. If one of the following customers are you please don't take it personally, others may benefit from your poor choice of actions.

1. Don't call someone while you're eating. Decide which is more important and do that first.
2. If you ask if there is another of something and I tell you no, I'm not lying so you'll buy something that you don't really like. I want you to be happy - returns don't make for a profitable company. Also asking another sales person doesn't make it magically appear in the store.
3. If you're unhappy about something (product, service, charge) I totally get that, I get upset too. However yelling at, degrading me or my employee/co-worker, exaggerating, not letting me talk, etc, does NOT make me want to help you.
4. Don't call while you're in the bathroom. See #1. That's just wrong on so many levels and could possibly warrant its very own blog ~ bathroom etiquite.
5. If you bring back a cold food product that clearly shows that it expired 2 months ago and then tell me you want a refund because it tastes bad ~ even if my manager overrides my decision that doesn't make me think you're any less of a moron and a thief of my company's profits.
6. If the restaurant door says the restaurant is open 10a - 9p that doesn't mean that because the door is open you should come inside and stand at the register until someone helps you. The employees have to get in somehow.
7. If there has been bad weather (snow/storm/etc), I don't believe you when you say "I can't believe you had to work today" because you obviously came to my work/called in thinking that I should be there.
8. If I answer the phone stating the name of the business and my name don't then ask "Is this insert company name I just said here?"
9. Don't be angry at me for enforcing the policies that the company I work for. I too have bills and a family so I won't risk losing my job because you don't agree with a price/charge/rule.
10. If you're calling to obtain some information (phone number, amount, date) have something to write with and on.
11. Please pleae please don't tell me all your ailments/personal issues/situations. I can't help that you're on you period/kids take your mail/spouse cheated and left. Tell me what you need me to help with and then call your dr./friend or counselor and let them know the other issues.
12. Knowing that you're related to or know someone I work with doesn't change how I treat you. My job is to give you my best everytime ~ don't assume I give crappy service as the norm.
13. Humans make mistakes ~ deal with it.
14. I am not your personal accountant/account manager. If you don't understand your account balance don't bring me your statement saying "Tell me what's wrong." You have have the responsibility to keep track of that. You are not the sole customer of the company I work for so I can't pay special attention to your account ~ so no I don't call you after every transaction or lack-thereof.
15. Don't take liberties with my name ~ I don't take liberties with yours.
16. If you call and say you only speak Spanish and then I tell you in Spanish that my Spanish is iffy at best and ask if you speak English it frustrates me when one of the following happens: you say yes and begin to talk in English, or you start to talk very rapidly in Spanish. You lied in the first instance and the second I already told you my Spanish isn't great please don't talk like it is.
17. I'm not your hon, sweetie, darlin, babe, or any other "cute" pet name you'd like to call me. Ma'am or my name (see #15) will do just fine.
18. Just because I work in customer service I am not a 411 service. If you want the number to pizza place you may have to gasp try a phone directory.
19. I'm not appologizing for your trash not being picked up on Thanksgiving.
20. Waitress should not include picking up 90% of your child's meal from the floor, cleaning up your child's throw up, or ordering for your child. Welcome to parenthood.
21. Don't be rude if I market my company to you. If you do not want solicitors - post it or place your number on the do not call list, otherwise my job is to sell my company to you.

I could go on and on but decided to stop at this point. The old saying "You catch more flies with honey" is totally true. When you are honest and upfront you can bet I'll work even harder to make you happier. So please when you are the customer be like the honey not the vinegar.

Growing, new beginnings and Mondays

Have you ever had a moment where you glimpse yourself, not in a mirror but your inner self, and are a bit surprised at how you’ve grown up? Lately I’ve had those moments. I'll be in the midst of a conversation I listen to what is being said and wonder who is this woman that is talking...oh my stars...its ME.

Years ago (ok somethings maybe days ago) if a boy didn't like me or gasp I had a boyfriend and he had the nerve to break up with me, my world would end I would do most anything to have people like me, after all I am a people pleaser. I would be teary at the lack of communication from someone or question the entire conversation that I just had and convince myself that I had been foolish and that those in the conversation with me were dutifully planning an intervention or prayer meeting on my behalf. Years have passed, I'm married, have loving kids, and yet to receive my first intervention.

I feel like many of my insecurities have faded. Like that pair of jeans that are almost worn through on the knees and other areas and they fit well but you really only wear them on a off day or doing housework, my insecurities don't rear their ugly head near as often, mainly on my off days, but they still fit. Sometimes I refuse to take them off.

That image of me as a young teenage girl, desperately seeking approval still remains, and always will. Those were not great times, yet I distinctly remember people asking me, "Why are you always so happy?" I even had the nickname Smiles at one job. I was happily seeking a way out of my unhappiness.

I remembered that part of me the other day when a girl from the youth group at my church declared, "I hate Mondays!". I thought about that for a bit and how I felt about Mondays. Besides having to leave my family and go to work I now think of them as a new beginning. What ever work didn't get done, or chore around the house was neglected, or what ever goal I had failed at, I could make this week distinctly different from last week. I feel this same way about winter. I LOVE the winter, not just for the snow (but it is really great). As I age it seems to take on more meaning. Most of creation takes this time to rest, rejuvenate, before beginning anew in the spring.

I recently read a verse that is quoted many times Lamentations 3:22-23 "You mercies are new each morning" is the gist of it. There are new beginnings all the time. Yet I keep missing them or ignoring them and clinging on to the old. So here's to looking forward, embracing Mondays, and trying to stop second guessing myself. 

Birthday and grown up questions

My daughter recently celebrated a birthday. She shared it with her other sister since we didn't do a whole lot for her birthday. Two birds and all that right? Another year passing has only emphasized that I am so immensely blessed by them.

Everyday.

I am astounded at how they are growing and how many things they not only comprehend but contemplate. She would talk about how it was her birthday but she was was going to share it with her sister. It did take a bit to convince the one who's birthday it wasn't, that she wasn't turning a year older.

During a recent car ride home I hear the question, "Mommy, when will God come?" Thus began a barrage of questions that I have encountered many a car ride since. A few I was a some points trying to dodge because at what age are certain topics appropriate? How much do I water it down or do I? My husband and I have agreed since before we had children that we would be as honest as we could with any children we may have.

One question that caused my breath to catch, "Mommy what's is the cross?" I was honest. That she knew of the cross made me move in the path of an honest answer - where someone dies. Not all the questions are so intense. Others have been much lighter: when she is older will she have her own house? why does the moon follow us? why does it rain? and more.

I try to always answer them. I want keep her and her sister's curiosity burning. Sometimes I find myself in a hurry getting frustrated with the persistent questions. I feel like my time is more important, and snap "I don't know". Later, when I realize it I guiltily apologize to them, explaining my mistake and telling them that they can always ask mommy or daddy questions.

But I wonder. Do you or I as a grown up still ask questions? At what point do the questions/curiosity cease and why? Is it the frustrated responses of "I don't know", the sense that we know it all, or does it just simply fade with age?

Traveling and other life lessons

This summer I did a lot of road tripping. With my family, with crazy teenagers that I love, and with just my girls. I've learned alot this summer, some things about me and some just life lessons in general.

I reinforced the lesson that I don't like the heat and I'm pasty white.

I learned that my kids travel really well. We took a 10 hour road trip to visit close friends and they did absolutely awesome. I was dreading being closed in a moving metal box with my two crazies, all for naught. No crazy tantrums, only had to take bathroom brakes when we needed gas, and the were very happy with the snacks I packed. Side note ~did you know that most rest stops have free wi-fi? Thank you DOT's across the US for that nice surprise. On the way home it was only because Bennett and I were so tired that we put a movie on for them, but really, they would have been fine with out it! They also did great on the 5 hour trip with me to celebrate the coming of Abigale Jane ~ even when I distractedly missed my exit on the way home.

I learned that Nutella is amazing.

I learned that the friends I have are amazing and they contribute to who I am. From watching my girls last minute, leaving food in my freezer, bringing me coffee unexpectedly, to doing B90X with me, loving my family as your own ~ even claiming one of them as your own, and so much more. If you're reading this you know who you are and I thank you, with all that I am, for being what I need and then some.

I learned that running is not my thing. Kudos to those who do, but no thanks! One day I'll be motivated to try something else.

I learned that teenage struggles and burdens make me look at my toddlers "disasters" as easily manageable. I remember coming home from one trip and one of my daughters lamenting "She had all the blanket" she being her sister, I thought "This I can fix!". I went and retrieved a blanket and all was well. I can kiss away a boo-boo, sing away frustration, tell a story for boredom, or just sit and hold them to let them know they are loved. I simply cannot do this for the youth I spend time with. No matter how much I love on them, encourage them, check on them, I cannot fix it. I can't make their parents tell them they love them. I can't convince them that right now their time is better spent on friends than the opposite sex. I won't convince them that I understand their temptations. I won't give up though, kids whether they are 2 or 22, are to important to give up on.

I learned that my love language to others is food. How I didn't realize this before I don't know. So if I feed you, know you are loved!

I learned that I'm not realistic when it comes to time and my consumption of it. Either I plan too for much or not and mess up something in the end ~ like arriving for a birthday dinner 45min early! How I consume time is a lesson in progress. My husband has pointed out how much of my time I give away, time I should be spending with my family as there isn't a whole lot to begin with after work and sleeping. So I'm working on family first. I want my children to value time with us more than time "doing" activities.

I learned that my girls will do almost anything to convince me they have a "boo-boo" that requires a band aid.

I learned that my family is to me like spinach is to Popeye! They watched my girls for a whole week, even sharing their germs ~ sorry Chad ~, without hesitation and we didn't have to do a thing! They picked them up and brought them home. We were in shock, partly from the lack of the sounds of two scheming girls, but also at the kindness shown to us with no expectations in return. You don't get that in life very often.

10 years

Today my husband and I celebrate 10 years of marriage. 10 years of saying "I love you" to one another ~ sometimes meaning just that and sometimes really meaning "I chose to gut this out". In that time we've moved 4 times, owned 5 cars, over a dozen cell phones, 5 computers, 3 vacuums, and 4 televisions, been on 5 cruises, had two children, been separated by an ocean, owned two cats and multiple fish, traveled to over a dozen states, been issued three moving violations, held 10 jobs, attended college, welcomed 8 nieces and nephews into this world, lost car keys, remotes, jobs, and each other for awhile, joined a church, joined a gym, been infested by mice, and eaten roughly 11,000 meals.

We've learned alot during that time and have come along way from our little house in Joplin. Here are just a few:

• Problems aren't avoided or yelled away.
• The weird neighbor, if nothing else, is persistent.
• Giving is WAY better than receiving, but receiving is pretty awesome too.
• Cats can hide pretty much anywhere and can escape through a 2x3 hole.
• A detour from your regular route is not always the best path nor is it necessarily any shorter...at all.
• We share our anniversary with a great couple.
• I love being social, he likes being at home.
• We get along well on long car rides.
• Authorities will not let a person under the age of 21 travel outside the country unless they have a marriage license or a legal guardian with them.
• Communicating with each other even if to just say I love you is immensely wonderful.
• We just can't cook a good steak.
• Cooking and reading are mutual favorite hobbies.
• Birthdays aren't high on our celebrate list ~ just never have.
• A date over donuts and chocolate milk is awesome.

I'm sure that there are dozens of lessons that I didn't include and countless more to come. But I'm just thankful that we are where we are. When we moved to KS we were at a bad point in our marriage. Not communicating, not attending church, no mutual friends, contemplating divorce. But then we left everything and everyone we knew and moved into a tiny apartment together. We learned that we had to rely on each other and we had to work through our issues.

We don't have big plans, infact I believe we are going to watch a kids movie with no kids, yay! We are ok with that. Our budget isn't a big celebration kind of budget and we're aren't yet good savers (we're working towards that). We are happy and all the struggles have been worth it. They've made us who we are today. So whether you've been married one month or 50 years keep at it, push through the awful times and savour the amazing times.

Letting go....really

So when I say it's in God's hands do I really mean I should still get what I want cause I'm "doing what a good christian does"? Am I really letting go?

I think of the song by Natalie Grant Held: "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the bitterness know our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow." How often do I keep picking at my wounds, postponing healing? Reminding myself that I should be ticked off.

My husband and I practiced this daily with each other in the beginning of our marriage. After each foolish disagreement, I'd run to my friends/family and state how awful and mean he was and they'd chime in "You are right he's no good" or something along those lines. He would spend time with his friends avoiding coming home and my phone calls. Then...he told me he had a job offer in Kansas City, I could come with him...or not. It's been 7 years and we are weeks away from celebrating our 10th anniversary. Forcing ourselves to face one another in a tiny apartment made our marriage begin to flourish and now I picture us like a young tree with the supports removed, growing strong and tall, ready to face what may come.

Sadly, I've done this with friends as well. Touting the thing that someone has done to offend me and emphasizing my apparent innocence. I'm definitely not saying that you should never talk about what others have done. We all need a safe place. That person we can go to, to let off steam maybe says things that we want to say but know we shouldn't. A person who will listen and guide us back to the right direction not add fuel to your fire.

Sometimes I know what I need is an empathetic reply tempered with the reminder that my side if the story may be a bit skewed. I have a very select few that I go to, my husband being first, that I just let 'er rip. Let it all out tell them I should just tell them this, how awful that was, can you believe this and on and on. They listen and I have found many times I'm waiting for a reaction that never comes. I want them to be taken aback, or simply aghast at what happened. The response is something along the lines of "Ok and?"...oh you mean this isn't life changing? This person shouldn't be stoned or shunned? I'm overreacting and don't get a medal for what I "went through"? Ah ok I see. Another case of foot-in-mouth avoided.

Along the lines of guidance I am reminded over and over again that it's not my plan but God's that I should think about. I am reminded in song, in advice, and in scripture that God will take care of me. God knows better than me, He is omniscient after all. Matthew 6:34 says "Do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." (ESV). Pretty sure that counts for yesterday too!

So when I tell God, "Ok I give this to You, Your will be done," am I adding the caveat "as long as Your will matches my wants"? I stress about bills, to have or not to have another child, I hold grudges against things from many years ago, I plan and schedule much of my life, but for what purpose? Where is the line of me doing my part and me being open to God doing His work? And back to my original question: How much do I really "let go"?

My Crush and me

Do you have a crush?

Ha that's a fun question to ask! No I don't mean like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie I mean like an "in-awe-of" crush. I ask because I do. There is a Chrisitian speaker that blows my mind. I get SO exctied when I find that he is going to be speaking. I have to admit that I'm a bit like a teenage girl at a boy-band concert. Many know if this crush I speak of and can attest it that. I choose not to name him just incase one day, by some very off chance, he sumbles upon my ramblings and sees that. I'm mean how embarrassing would that be?!?!

Now, I'm positive that if I walked up to him and said, "His name here I am so in awe of your speaking and your testimony" he would be so very humble and pass the glory to God. Most of those doing God's work would do just that. They stay firmly behind the cover of Jesus, because really why would anyone want to step out from behind His glory and show our true sinful filth?

There are many women (and men too but mostly ladies) in my life that I admire and look up to, not quite the crush stage, but highly esteem. I often find myself comparing me to them, seeing if I measure up. Usually I get a big red FAIL stamp. I haven't prayed enough, or read the bible everyday, shown the right Godly attitude and well you get the point. I end up feeling miserable and at the bottom of a very steep seemingly insurmountable hill. I wonder, do they look at others thinking those same things?


All this leads me to my very favorite verse. It scrolled across my thoughts. It is Zephaniah 3:17 (I like to change the you's to me's to make it personal):

"The Lord my God is with me,

He is MIGHTY to save.

He will take great delight in me,

He will quiet me with His love,

He will rejoice over me with singing."

Not only does He SAVE me but I delight Him. He will quiet me, and here I'm all wrapped up about being such a loud person, God can take care of that.

Then when I'm quiet (finally) He SINGS. Can you imagine? WOW! If that isn't a pick-me-up then I need some serious intervention!

This verse insists that I stop my ridiculous comparison of myself. God loves ME. The talkative, loud-laughing, ocd, just-as-I-am ME! So I'm gonna keep my crush and keep looking up to those amazing women in my life while assuring myself that I don't have to measure up to them I've got my own height chart.

Provoking e-mail

Recently a friend of mine sent me a devotion from Alicia Britt Cole's newest devotional, Intimate Conversations titled "wiggle worms". It was delightful and thought provoking to read. I replied with many thoughts began pouring from my brain through my fingers. I share this thinking that others are in the same boat of thought as we:

The devotion made me think of my favorite verse: Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." He will quiet us, whether we want Him to or not. Coming to kiss the feet of Mercy, I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross. We don’t have to go great lengths to find Him, He is right there; in the sunlight spilling over the horizon, the laughter of a tickled child, in the tears of someone who has felt the loss of a loved one, in the sighs of the downtrodden, HE IS THERE. Don’t worry about getting to Him, just go.
 

I definitely agree with “going slower to get deeper”. How many of our greatest relationships have happened in an hour, a day, a week? My count is still at zero for that timeline. Life is filled with interruptions, daily necessities and requirements and obligations that take our attention to something else. If my days are consumed with so many different interruptions how am I ever going to be able to go deeper in, well, anything? But we love that instant gratification so much it’s hard to not keep doing more and more because we get that feel good/done good euphoria when we do. We like drive through because we feed the hunger right away. We like internet because it tells us everything – where to go, how to get there, how much it will cost, how Aunt Fran is doing, what the lyrics are to Chantilly Lace, and so on. We speed, text, e-mail, take digital photographs, seemingly in a constant state of fast forward! 

How many people plant a tomato plant versus going to the store to buy some from Tempe, AZ? We don’t want to wait for the fruits of our labor we’d rather pick up a container of fruit salad. So that’s my “permission” to you to let go of things, savor the growth time and process from dormancy through growth to maturity.

As for "churchy" things, "churchiness" to me is often a synonym for busyness! I know that if God has something I need to know I’m pretty sure that doing more or less "churchy" things will not help nor hinder His objectives. It’s IS hard to say no to the good things: MOPS, music/worship, Sunday school, AWANA’s, dinner groups, homecare groups, womens events, youth group, and many many more. All of these have great things to offer to help MY spiritual goals/walk, but there is too much of a good thing. Let me interject here that God doesn't need any teachers aids but my human brain does. I have to be careful that I don’t let others “expectations” supersede those that God has for me.
 
I feel crazy and disheveled most of the time. Spastically making it from one thing to the next but I'm working on paring down my obligations and know that God is there, waiting with open arms for me to rest awhile.

My TV and Me

So I had the opportunity to have a “mommydaddy” show marathon with my husband. We are fans of a few ok a lot of different ones. To name a few NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, Bones, Burn Notice, Human Target, Vampire Diaries (you see now why my daughter refers to them as mommydaddy shows ~ she cannot set eyes on them) and more. We’d like to find a great comedy if there are any suggestions. But I digress…at some point during my television buffet I had this thought: I want a television relationship. Yep, that’s right a television relationship.

I know, I know, the relationships I see and envy are totally scripted. Someone who gets paid (probably more than me) dreams up these characters and their interactions. They are completely fictional and I’m sure I’m being set up ~ just like with those Magic Bullet infomercials (that’s a story for another day). That being said I want one!! Having someone know you so well they know the right thing to do at the very right moment, or you have that story just between the however many of you. Seemingly able to know what the other is thinking and so closely entwined in each other lives that the relationship seems perfect.

Of course I realize there is no perfect relationship ~speaking earthly here~. And like blown glass it is the nuances and unique traits that make them all the more valuable. Now, don’t get me wrong I have dear friends. We have poured much of ourselves into each other. I had friendships fade, grow stronger, multiply, and grow bitter. I have acquaintances that I would love to blossom into friendships, but lack the time to make them grow. I’ve had friendships that turned out to be better off as acquaintances. So why do the tv relationships seem so great?

This leads to my next thought: tv relationships have a blatant yet subtle omission ~ the work of the relationship; the art of the formation and growth and maturation of the relationship. I get instead a microwave relationship, ready in 30 minutes to 1 hour with commercial interruptions in place of a homecooked stick-by-your-side friendship. Aha! I like the work. Like cooking I usually prefer to make it from scratch. It is very satisfying to enjoy the end result. But I do enjoy a good greasy take out burger too.

Alas I will still keep my dvr chock full of mommdaddy shows for our viewing enjoyment but remembering that what is left “censored” from my shows are the best parts of life.

Through the eyes of a parent

As a mom of two so many things I have read in the bible have come back to me on a new plane of understanding. Through out the majority of my Christian experience I've heard God referred to as my Father and me has His child. Never before had this idea become really real to me until I became a mother. Free will, love, grace, forgiveness, sorrow, pain, and joy are just a handful of my new understandings.

When Caitlyn came into our life, we got this little wiggly, sleepy, hungry, person who we loved with out anyone asking us to. Then...we went home. I soon learned that in addition to all that I now had someone that screamed at me (with our provocation mind you), threw up on me, striped my sleep from me (just when I could once again sleep on my tummy), pulled at my hair, and more. I was supposed to be in love with this, this, this terror? Yet unquestionably I was and am. God’s love for me is so much more than the love I have for Caitlyn and Joslyn. It supersedes anything my human brain can fathom yet I know it to be true, He tells me over and over in the bible. The same goes for forgiveness. When I lash out a God, when I try to be the boss ~ and fail miserably, He forgives me. The bible tells me that “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23. How’s that from a book with the name of Lamentations?

Of course Caitlyn and Joslyn have now graduated onto much greater frustrations: temper tantrums, the word no, biting, selective hearing, screaming louder with words…you get the idea and probably have been on the front lines in your own battle. Caitlyn likes to say, “I won’t do it again mommy” when we discuss her bad choices. How I wish that were true, that she could magically just not disobey ever again. But I tell her ok and I tell her I forgive her, because I do. When they’ve damaged someone's belongings her dad and I get to take the responsibility of replacing or fixing them, this is where grace comes in. Yes I explain to her we need to apologize and if she can help in fixing I expect that of her. But ultimately she doesn’t have any money to pay for a broken toy or the skill to mend something. I step in and take that consequence. Jesus plays that part for me. God requires PERFECTION, no less. I have no way of becoming perfect. None. Period. So Jesus steps in and takes care of it for me. He steps in front of my sin and covers it. Do I deserve it? Nope, I’m a sinner and that is quite the opposite of perfection. Do my girls deserve me to take care of some situations? Nope but I do it because I love them.

Another thing I've heard spoken of frequently was free will. I just thought, “Well duh He’d be a crummy God if He just made me do what ever He wanted.” I never fathomed how incredibly hard that is. This light bulb moment hit me like a ton of bricks one day when Caitlyn was angry at me for stopping her from touching my parents wood stove. This is their sole source of heat in the winter so on really cold days it sometimes reaches 400 or 500 degrees. That day it wasn’t near that warm but warm enough to really hurt. As Caitlyn headed towards the stove with whatever idea in her head I quickly stopped her and expressed what a bad choice that would be. God tells us over and over the things not to do because they will hurt us, but we keep going. Unlike me, God doesn’t reach out and stop us because He gives us that freedom to choose. Oh how His heart must break when He watches as His child runs and touches that stove, that thing He tells us not to do. But on the other hand how much more does His heart swell with pride when we chose to love Him? I know how happy I get when my girls make good choices or I get a great report from our nanny.

So as you journey through this path of parenting think of God on that plane. Don’t buy into the doubts about God forgiveness and if you are loveable or if you deserve it. Look at your child tonight, think of how much you love them and what you would do for them and what you’ve forgiven. Then know that God connection to you is so much greater than that!