Moments in the dark place

I sometimes wonder how I got through the previous day. When I felt like I was camped out in that dark mental place and wanted to nothing. Everything is blah and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach is relentless. There is no flavor in life at that moment.

No one notices. Because I don't let them. If I did that I wouldn't stay in the dark. Or if they notice I assure them things are great. My pity party has commenced, only one will be admitted. I get that pity parties are just about, if not the most selfish state one can be in.  But sometimes it just doesn't matter.

It's like a fog that encompasses you mentally.  Sometimes real fog can be soothing...but after a bit when you're supposed to make it somewhere, or in this case be something you, just can't seem to navigate.  Time seems to crawl and though your destination is feet from you, you just can't make it.  So you sit down and wait for the fog to clear.

Typing this right now I can't really say what gets me to get back up and continue forward.  There isn't an exact phrase or motion that propels me but something inevitably does.  This being said, I cannot fathom being stuck day after day in this place, this dark, lonely, mentally incapacitating place.  It makes me love those who are there that much more.  I'm thankful that my "trips" tend to be moments rather than the alternative.

Heartburn and hormones

Today I'm in a stinky mood.  I'm chalking it up to all these pregnancy hormones flooding my system.  Probably the two things I dislike about pregnancy are: the bad side of moody and heartburn. 

I love when I'm happy.  Seems like I'm really happy ~ the drawback is that I get the urge to call people and get all sappy with them and tell them how much I care and how much they mean to me and so on.  So far I have only succumbed to this once...in an e-mail. Thank goodness for the bit of self control that I still retain.

The grumpy/sad/annoyed moodiness is awful.  I wish I could have a quarantine sticker for those days moments!  "Watch Out! Preggo woman in a bad mood at your 6 ~ do not approach!  Consider hostile and dangerous!"  And if I'm being honest really this doesn't apply only to pregnancy.  Maybe that I'm a mom of two toddlers qualifies why this happens, or maybe just that I'm female.  Hot fudge sundae anyone?

Speaking to the heartburn it's like I'm growing a baby dragon instead of a little person.  This stream of molten lava climbs up my esophagus and takes up residence.  I can try sleeping sitting up (I just get the best rest this way ~ um no not really), taking tums (daily limit is like 8 or something minuscule like that) or drinking lots of water ~theses thing only delay the inevitable.  So Instead I pleaded with my amazing ob, Dr. C.  I've finally gotten prescription strength Zantac and I am once again indebted to my Dr for this relief.

People try to make heartburn into a nice thing "Your baby will have lots of hair".  Really? My first little one was bald a basketball ~ had crazy heartburn, second one did have lots of hair but same amount of heartburn.  So the idea of "lots of hair" on my baby isn't enough to make me say "Ooh more heartburn YAY!".