I sometimes wonder how I got through the previous day. When I felt like I was camped out in that dark mental place and wanted to nothing. Everything is blah and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach is relentless. There is no flavor in life at that moment.
No one notices. Because I don't let them. If I did that I wouldn't stay in the dark. Or if they notice I assure them things are great. My pity party has commenced, only one will be admitted. I get that pity parties are just about, if not the most selfish state one can be in. But sometimes it just doesn't matter.
It's like a fog that encompasses you mentally. Sometimes real fog can be soothing...but after a bit when you're supposed to make it somewhere, or in this case be something you, just can't seem to navigate. Time seems to crawl and though your destination is feet from you, you just can't make it. So you sit down and wait for the fog to clear.
Typing this right now I can't really say what gets me to get back up and continue forward. There isn't an exact phrase or motion that propels me but something inevitably does. This being said, I cannot fathom being stuck day after day in this place, this dark, lonely, mentally incapacitating place. It makes me love those who are there that much more. I'm thankful that my "trips" tend to be moments rather than the alternative.
No one notices. Because I don't let them. If I did that I wouldn't stay in the dark. Or if they notice I assure them things are great. My pity party has commenced, only one will be admitted. I get that pity parties are just about, if not the most selfish state one can be in. But sometimes it just doesn't matter.
It's like a fog that encompasses you mentally. Sometimes real fog can be soothing...but after a bit when you're supposed to make it somewhere, or in this case be something you, just can't seem to navigate. Time seems to crawl and though your destination is feet from you, you just can't make it. So you sit down and wait for the fog to clear.
Typing this right now I can't really say what gets me to get back up and continue forward. There isn't an exact phrase or motion that propels me but something inevitably does. This being said, I cannot fathom being stuck day after day in this place, this dark, lonely, mentally incapacitating place. It makes me love those who are there that much more. I'm thankful that my "trips" tend to be moments rather than the alternative.
2 comments:
wow!!!! i think i could have written this this past week! exactly the place i have been at, my dear. it is scary to be in the dark. it is terrifying when the darkness does not subside...and day after day the light just doesn't come. i am glad you are not stuck there. we all need sunshine to penetrate those hazy fogs! ;)
cute, cute, cute blog! i will be following from now on. :)
Your writing is wonderful, and your words touch my soul. And you, my friend, you are a true and lasting jewel. Love you ... tons.
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